Johnny Jokes

[stev]

when i was a kid, back in virginia, it seemed that all jokes were about johnny . . . .

so, johnny is sitting in class, listening to the teacher.

"so, class, there are four birds sitting on a fence. you shoot one, how many are left?"

johnny's hand shoots up, waving back and forth, while he goes "me! me! i know!"

the teacher sighs and says "ok, johnny".

johnny smiles a huge smile, and says "Zero."

the teacher frowns, and says "no, johnny, the answer is three. you have four, lose one, and you have three left."

johnny scowls, and says "no, you shoot one, and the others will fly away."

the teacher signs, and says "well, johnny, the answer is three, but i like the way you think."

johnny sits the rest of the day, arms crossed, with a sour look on his face.

the next day brings more of the same, there he sits. in the middle of the day, he raises his hand. the teacher looks at him, sighs, and says "yes, johnny?"

"so teacher, there are three women eating ice cream cones. one licks the ice cream, one bites the ice cream, and one bites the bottom off the cone, and sucks the ice cream out. which one is married?"

the teacher is stunned, and finally answers "i dunno, the one licking the ice cream?"

johnny answers "no, the one with the wedding ring is married, but i like the way you think."

[Pawel]

Where I live we've got lots of 'em. Like this one: Johnny is misbehavin' in school so the teacher says: "Tomorrow I'd like to talk to your mother about your bad behaviour". "My momma is dead" says Johnny. "Oh my god, how did this happen?" says the teacher. "Accident. Ran over by a steam roller". "Well, I'm so sorry. Then I need to talk to your dad". "He's dead too" says Johnny. "Also ran over by a steam roller". "That's terrible, my poor boy. I'm concerned by your future" says the teacher. "So how about your grandma or grandpa?" "All dead", says Johnny. "So what are you going to do now, Johnny?" asks the teacher. "I'm gonna keep on driving the steam roller" replies Johnny.

[other dog]

I always liked "the perfect specimen" joke. Back before little Johnny's parents were steam rollered, little Johnny and little Debby were outside playing one day. Little Debby said "Johnny, what's a penis?"

Little Johnny said "I don't know, i'll go ask my mom"

Little Johnny runs inside and says "ma, what's a penis?"

Ma says "well, it's...uh...-go ask your dad, he can tell you better than I can"

So he goes and finds Dad- "Dad, what's a penis?"

Dad says "well son, it's- wait, I can show you better than I can tell you". So pop pulls it out and said "now THIS is a penis- and I must say, it's a perfect specimen of one too!"

Little Johnny said "OK Pop" and runs back outside.

Little Debby said "well, did you find out what a penis is?"

Little Johnny said " yeah, but I can show you better than I can tell you"

So he pulls it out and shows it to little Debby and said "now this is a penis- and if it was about 2 inches shorter it would be a perfect specimen of one too"

[shortstack]

Yeah, I like that one! Probably a true story at some point. Trey

[stev]

well, as a kid i heard something like this . . . .

johnny is out at recess, and debbie calls him over. he is standing there, and she is standing there, and johnny says "i have 10 fingers". debbie says "i have 10 too".

"i have two ears" "i do too"

"i have two eyes" "i do too"

johnny stands there for a minute, and opens his pants, and debbie starts crying and runs away . . . .

the next day, debbie calls him over again, and after a moment, johnny starts up again:

"i have 10 fingers" "i have 10 too"

"i have two ears" "i do too"

"i have two eyes" "i do too"

he opens his pants, and says "i have one of these" and debbie pulls up her dress, and says " i have one of these, and my mother says with one of these i can have as many of those as i want."

[other dog]

A kindergarten class was assigned to find out about something exciting & tell the class the next day. Little Johnny made a small white dot on the blackboard & sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period,'' he said. "Well, I can see that,'' she said ''but what is so exciting about a period?'' ''Damned if I know,'' said little Johnny, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself"

[Pawel]

We have this one in Poland too! It's truly transatlantic

Have a nice day

Paweł

[stev]

One morning, johnny and his little brother Jimmy, decide to begin cursing.

"Johnny, what are you going to say?" Jimmy asked.

"I think I'll start with fuck."

"the neighbor says god damn a lot, I think I will say that."

They go downstairs for breakfast. Their mother asks what they want for breakfast.

"I think I'll have some god damn cheerios" Jimmy casually says.

Without a word, his mother slaps him so hard, he disappears behind the table. She turns to Johnny, and asks him what he'd like.

"I'm not sure, but you can bet it won't be those fucking cheerios" he answers.

[other dog]

Not Johnny, but not bad-

Married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch...

[vision386]

Little johnny sure gets around! best one i know goes like this, little johnny is at school learning about health/human anatomy,so the teacher begins the lesson on male anatomy by making a drawing on the blackboard,"can anyone tell the class what this is called" asked the teacher,of course little johnny raises his hand immeadiately,and the teacher scans the room for ANYONE else willing to answer the question,but finding no other hands in the air,she finally says "ok johnny,tell me what you know about this picture" "why thats easy,says johnny,its a penis,my dad has TWO of them"! sorry johnny,thats quite impossible!,says teacher,a man only has ONE penis...NO,NO i'm sure my dad has TWO,i know,i have seen them! he has one small one that he uses to go to the bathroom,and then the LARGER one he uses to brush the babysitters teeth with, when mommy works late!..................Mark