Jokes of the week

[72U685ST]

1. A pickle, a cucumber and a penis were talking about life. The cucumber said when i get big and hard they chop me up and toss me in a salad. The picke said when i get big and hard they chop me up and drown me in vinegar. The penis says oh yea? thats nothing, when i get big and hard they put a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a dark damp cave and bang my head against the walls until i throw up and faint.

2. Tommy, Joe, and Little Phil were driving down a country road when they came across a sheep that was stuck in a farmers fence. Tommy says i wish i had my gun we'd be eating lamb chops tonight. Joe says yea i wish there wasnt anybody around we could take him for dinner. Then there was a pause and Little Phil says i wish it was dark out.....

3. Mick Jagger said, "Hey you get off of my cloud"

The Scots say, "Hey MacLeod get off of my ewe"

4. Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son!"

Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on, son! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! Hey, you got you a daughter!"

Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor says, "Hold on, we still ain't finished!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had another boy! But don't worry, 'cause that's it!"

So, Bubba and his wife went home with the three children. When they got home, they sat down and began talking. Bubba said, "Mama, you remember that night that we ran out of K-Y and we had to use that 3-in-1 Oil?"

She said, "Yeah, I do."

Bubba said, "Man, it's a good thing we didn't use no WD-40!

[farmer52]

[mike69mackman]

[leversole]

After landing a second job as a Walmart greeter (need extra money for the Mack), I lasted less than a day ......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into

the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart."

I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be fucking stupid. Of course they aren't twins.

The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7.

Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam.. I just couldn't believe someone fucked you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."

My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[72U685ST]

Hahahaha!!

[mike69mackman]

I just about pissed myself omg that was funny

[mack mhe9]

thats good

[farmer52]

Good one!

[hatcity]

_{Thank you Leversole for that.}

_{This thread was ....um.....not good until that}

[72U685ST]

husband and wife are in bed. every time they do it the husband turns off the lights. one time the wife wanted to leave the lights on but the husband did not want to. so one night in the mist of all the passion the wife turns on the lights to find that her husband had been using a cucumber on her. outraged she yelled " a cucumber all these years!! i cant believe u i deserve an explaination!!!"

the husband set up and looked his wife in the eye and said "honey i truely apologize yes i have been using a cucumber and u do deserve an explaination." the wife agreed. the husband calmy says to the wife " i will explain the cucumber... when you explain the 3 kids!

[39 Baby Mack]

After landing a second job as a Walmart greeter (need extra money for the Mack), I lasted less than a day ......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into

the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart."

I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be fucking stupid. Of course they aren't twins.

The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7.

Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam.. I just couldn't believe someone fucked you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."

My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

That's great!

Ron

[bullhusk]

husband and wife are in bed. every time they do it the husband turns off the lights. one time the wife wanted to leave the lights on but the husband did not want to. so one night in the mist of all the passion the wife turns on the lights to find that her husband had been using a cucumber on her. outraged she yelled " a cucumber all these years!! i cant believe u i deserve an explaination!!!"

the husband set up and looked his wife in the eye and said "honey i truely apologize yes i have been using a cucumber and u do deserve an explaination." the wife agreed. the husband calmy says to the wife " i will explain the cucumber... when you explain the 3 kids!

Never ever eat a cucumber that smells like tuna!!

[other dog]

Good-bye Grandpa

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a

strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mail man dropped dead right in our driveway!"

[mike69mackman]

I love that hat city !!!!

[farmer52]

Good-bye Grandpa

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mail man dropped dead right in our driveway!"

Good one!

[vision386]

Good-bye Grandpa

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a

strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mail man dropped dead right in our driveway!"

Hee-Hee-Hee! ats a good one Tom!.......................................Mark

[Timmyb]

 I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me, because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again. 

[Timmyb]

[mrsmackpaul]

thats as funny as